Lawrence is different. He’s not “perfectly” hetero, not quite gay, nor bi. He is more attracted to gray. Narration.
The young man, early twenties, gave us an appointment in a café in the north of the city to talk about himself, to get out of his “zone”, as he said, even if it stressed him . And it seems.
It’s that he doesn’t have an easy life, so to speak, and that too, it seems. “Around 11 or 12, my self-esteem was at an all-time low,” he began. I was rejected a lot in elementary school and had social difficulties when I was young. »
We think he is struggling. To give you an idea of the photo: “I’m bigger than now and I have brooches”, he described. All her attempts to make a boyfriend proved futile. “I was rejected a few times and it convinced me that I would never have a chance with women in my life. […] So I must be gay. “Should we? “I don’t think it’s going to work. If it continues, I’ll be single and childless at the age of 80, he reasoned. I think as a growing young man…”
He tested himself, somewhat awkwardly, we understand (read: without permission), with two male friends. Usually around 10-11 years old. And of course, it’s not good. One of them spat in his face after he tried to get closer. “I won’t do it again, he determined, I’ve learned, I know it’s not fair. […] But I want to be happy. And I’m ready for anything! »
In high school, Laurent hides these past “events” as much as he can.
But suddenly I was bullied because I’m not right?
Luckily, he was all wrong. It must be said that his social skills are refined. He became his first girlfriend (in secondary five, his “first serious relationship”, where he had his first “experiences”), whom he trusted. “She herself was bisexual and she had had lesbian relations with her best friend…” In short, her orientation(s) does not make her a crease.
Laurent continues with a second young woman, a story that this time reaches nine months. It was with him that he had his first sexual relationship. “It’s going well, he confessed, we make sure that others like what we do. Do you like it, do you want to continue, etc. “We see that he has come a long way, also in terms of consent.
With him too, Laurent confessed: “Maybe I’m not completely straight,” he told her. And again, trust has no consequences.
Around 18, third boyfriend. This time, it will only last for one month. Laurent again suffers from low self-esteem. “He is very bad for me, very pure, I am self-sabotaging. »
We give you the details, but the young man lived here a “dark” time. He bloomed, started smoking and fell more empty. He ended up in counseling and has since gotten better, including medication and therapy. Except that he also realized that he was not ready to enter into a relationship. “I have to work on my person, he summarizes. I’m afraid of going back to this negative stage and becoming a toxic partner. And I don’t want that. So he signed up for different apps, looking for something “casual”, light hearted, because he is not ready to commit.
He is more in exploration mode.
At the same time, and during his therapy, Laurent continued to question his orientation. He even opened up to his parents by announcing that he is bi. “Maybe,” he said.
But I’m not into gay porn. […] I am attracted to women in general. In English, there is a term: finsexual.
finsexual “because feminine in nature. Without it it should be a woman,” he said.
Having trouble continuing? Normal. Think of Lawrence.
It is yes, he believes here, he uses pornography at the time, not gay, but trans. “There is a part of you that says: impossible, he checked, in all transparency. How to be a woman? At the same time, he has a way of moaning that basically makes him a woman. Even if he has a penis…” And yes, it motivated him. We let him continue. Explanations (rationalization) will follow.
Laurent is in his meditation on the arrival of the pandemic. “At first it was fine,” he recalls. It was a quieter time. I spend more time at home. I found a source of comfort there. And then it started to take a long time. “…
Can you guess what’s next? It was also during this time that he ended up meeting, through an app, therefore, a first trans woman. Then? He nodded. “Yes,” he smiled, he liked it. “I know that I am different from other boys, he said. I like this. A guy with a beard, I’m not interested. But a trans woman? Yes. »
He also returned it for a second. “There is something that attracts me, I believe. In theory, there is an organ to penetrate, except that I will penetrate, he reflected. It helps me feel stronger, more beautiful, masculine, dominant. In short, it doesn’t hurt his self-esteem, we understand.
However, he tried to talk about it, especially to his parents, but they seemed to have a hard time understanding. “The young boomers don’t understand the terms. They see black or white, there’s no gray. Young people my age are more understanding. »
Since these two adventures, and some happy and not so happy virtual exchanges, Laurent took a little “break” from the apps. He has a weak psychology and wants to work on his person, as we said. Nevertheless, he insisted on the testimony: “We must be open to the fact that our lives and our identity will improve over time, he said. I think sexuality is more fluid than we often hear. And it’s more common to be non-hetero among those 35 and under. Maybe more complicated than bi or hetero…” Anyway, he added in closing, “what matters is not your orientation. But make it agreeable and as healthy as possible…”
* Fictitious name, to protect his anonymity