Across the Atlantic, we’re talking about “back burner relationship“. This 10th technique related to PERSONAL DATEawakened it The tendency is to keep an ex or crush “on the back burner” when you are already committed to someone else. An “almost relationship” maintained only through social networks and hope, which comes from “what if”.
In 2014, a study published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior Awakened for the first time the “back burner” of love.
“These individuals continue to monitor the availability of their romantic/sexual interests whether or not they are in a committed relationship. We use the term nightlight to describe a potential or ongoing romantic / sexual partner who communicates with one, but who is not exclusively committed,” the researchers wrote at the time.
A caring relationship, nurtured by constant indirect communication
According to psychologist Dr. Martin Graff, in a post for Psychology Today“last night relationships” is above all a “baby social network”.
“Online communication makes this contact easier. This makes it possible to participate in what one can call relationship maintenance behaviorwhich usually includes three elements”, he explained.
Therefore, the psychiatrist cited: positivity (being kind to someone and making sure that being with them is fun and enjoyable), transparency (revealing personal information and perhaps sharing secrets), and commitment (showing that you want the relationship to last over time and have a future).
A “just in case” that weakens the primary relationship
In fact, “dormant relationships” only fall asleep when you have concrete human contact. If you “just” think about your ex from time to time without contacting him, then you are not on the “back burner”.
If this nuance seems to be omitted – on paper – a good number of us, a study, conducted in 2021 and published on the site of Study Findingsrevealed that “at least 62% of respondents keep someone on the back burner in case of a lawsuit, although 93% of people say their relationship is exclusive”.
A sleepy semi-commitment that can have real effects on a so-called “main” relationship. “Maintaining a secondary relationship with an ex, if used as a way to avoid a deeper level of emotional commitment, can negatively affect your primary relationship,” warns psychologist Jaymie Zuckerman, interviewed. Stylist.
“Secondary issues are often hidden from the other partner, and often downplayed and portrayed as a bad, unimportant relationship,” she continues. “However, while dormant relationships are not officially labeled cheating, they do involve cheating, which can lead to trust issues within the primary relationship if one partner finds out.”
How do I know if I am someone’s guardian?
But sometimes, if we are not the one maintaining the relationship, we can be someone’s light in the night, without anyone knowing.
To do this, thePsychology professor Michelle Drouin explains the Medium with five signs to be aware of.
“They always talk to you, but not every day. Sometimes they make romantic/sexual comments, but back off when you do the same. They rarely make firm plans with you. The timing is still terrible for both of you. They are already in a relationship/seeing other people,” he said.
If it becomes complicated to realize that we are the “what if” option of a person who pleases us so much, it is better to remove the followers of “secondary loves”.
“If you know you’re in a secondary ‘relationship’ with someone, the smartest thing to do is be brave and, no matter how much you love them, walk away. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who cares about you and who want go with you – don’t play stupid games and make you a backup plan”, reminds Michelle Drouin.
The magic question to ask yourself to determine if a relationship is headed straight for the wall