Does the mother-daughter relationship change when you become a mother?

“Mom, I can do it!” This announcement of parenthood within the mother-daughter unit is a new step. In fact, by becoming a mother instead, you can turn your mother into a grandmother. Although he already has grandchildren through your siblings, this is his first time to have this relationship with you. For you, young lady, you will no longer be just a “daughter”, and for her, she will no longer be just your mother.

Understand how the mother-daughter relationship works and what is at stake

Even before having a child of her own, the relationship between a daughter and her mother involves some special issues. Although it is not time to gender human relations, the truth is that the behavior of parents today is still influenced by the gender of their child’s birth. Therefore, before being able to consider a healthy relationship with your mother when becoming a mother yourself, Patricia Delahaie, psychosociologist, life coach and author of “The mother-daughter relationship: The 3 keys to comfort” (Edition Leduc ) invites us to understand the mother-daughter relationship, with its movement, its pitfalls, its issues and its subtleties.

“This relationship is unique because it is a relationship of reciprocal identification. You raise your daughter according to her own experience as a woman, which is not exactly a man”, she confides. Whether the relationship is good or not, mother-daughter relationships tend to be “very visceral,” as our expert points out. “Every moment lived has a very strong effect on both, whether it’s wonderful or terrible. The relationship is intense and powerful,” he insists on setting as a basis.

The mother-daughter bond in adulthood

“The mother-daughter relationship in adulthood is, as its name suggests, an adult-to-adult relationship, although it also depends on childhood experiences,” recalled the specialist. The mistake that is often made is to want to be classic friends: “Even if it is a developing relationship, over the years and experiences, the mother and daughter keep this bond. the impact it can have discussions with his son”, he believes. “A child, and more so a woman, is very sensitive to his mother, this is one of the specific details of this relationship with the mother.”, he details.

Thus, even if the link develops, a more equal relationship will come, because the pure stage of education is over, the mother remains a different person to a woman, on good or bad terms. “When the little girl becomes an adult, every mother-daughter” couple “must change her happiness, her limits, her existence. ” he said. But we also cannot neglect the aspect of personality, which remains the main expression of this relationship: “There are real stories of characters who are not for each other: when there are beatings, the mother stays there, but when not the mother. and the daughter have nothing in common. They see each other very little, but when one needs the other he stays there.”

Be a “daughter” when you can be a mother

The arrival of a child somewhat disturbs the balance of this relationship. From pregnancy, it can be a question of finding changes. The mother will show her fears to her daughter: “She may be afraid that her daughter will experience the same thing if she has a difficult pregnancy or wish her the same conditions if everything is fine”, explained in pro. “It happens that the mother and daughter remain very close during this period. The posture of the mother can be very important for the relationship to remain healthy: if the mother knows how to remain protected without breastfeeding, knowing how can he watch over his child without falling into interference, then the mother’s position is on the right cursor”, he believes. “When a child comes, it is the mother who adapts to her daughter, because she is first and has a lot of experience. the construction of her own life. It is not a symmetrical relationship”, he remembers.

Some expectant mothers also feel the need to share this intimately with their partner: “In this situation, the mother must understand that she must remain on the periphery. taking an unwanted place … that can be complicated, because she has a very strong desire to be a grandmother and to own this role.” It’s a real balancing act to find the right size: “It can also be a mirror effect problem because a mother who needs her own mother when she becomes a mother will think that her daughter needs her, or vice versa, and thus not endorsing the correct position and expectations of her daughter. A mother should try to establish the right distance- on and in the right attitude with his daughter. It takes several crises to find the right balance again. A crisis is not a drama, it’s a change: again close or too far, you must adapt as much as you can to the needs of the moment.”

The success of any relationship is achieved through subtle changes, which mainly involve observation: “Listening must precede advice”, remembers Patricia Delahaie. “You can talk about his experience and his generation, but you can’t impose it as a general truth. This is a time that can be difficult for mothers, because they can expect a more a big role during pregnancy and the matrescence of their daughter. But this transmission was stronger before, now future mothers also rely on their friends or what they read as documentation”, explained our expert.

In the case where the bonds are not in good shape before birth, the birth of the child can come to solve some situations: “In general, I notice all the same that we always face the need for encouragement -back to the arrival of a child. As a parent, you want your child to be surrounded, and if they are not, you try and calm the relationship. The arrival of a child can still, come and be -heal a mother / daughter duo: we give the grandmother a chance to fix her mistakes and her lack of adaptation in the first place. According to our pro, any mother / daughter relationship can will heal and adjust. “Be confident in this relationship, it will heal one way or another, more or less for a long time,” he said. “Except maybe in the case of a real that toxic mother, for whom the arrival of a grandchild promotes la even in his features…”, he nuances. “To conclude, I would say that this relationship is full of contradictions. We want our mother to be there when we need her, to take care of her child for example, but we also want to establish a certain distance. To find the right balance between this duo, thus it is necessary to remain full of gratitude to each other and leave a lot of room for listening and discussion.

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