We all enter into a relationship because we need to be loved and cared for, to feel appreciated and safe. But these are not the only basic needs that every person seeks in a romantic union. So what are the other valuables?
The problem is that we can rarely articulate our basic needs in a relationship because we haven’t thought about them yet. As a result, we started dating a new person hoping they would make us happy, but that didn’t happen.
To avoid another romantic disappointment, you need to start recognizing your relationship needs. If you have a clear structure of your needs, it will be easier for you to attract the right partners instead of wasting time on dead relationships.
So how do you know what’s best for you? Read on to find out.
Basic requirements of a relationship: What is it?
Human needs can be classified into several categories, such as physical, financial, emotional needs, and so on. However, most relationship requirements are psychological.
The most basic are:
- Affection (romantic gestures, words of love and sex)
- Respect (your opinion is important to the other person)
- Appreciation (receiving thanks and praise)
- Safety (physical and emotional safety)
- Loyalty (partners are loyal to each other)
- Trust (transparency in all aspects of life)
You can also prioritize these concepts and decide what is basic and what is more or less flexible.
For example, trust and loyalty are your top priorities, and you want your partner to respect them. So if someone lies to you or cheats on you, it is a breach of contract.
At the same time, you’re accustomed to talking about how you feel, but you don’t care that your spouse doesn’t share much because they’re reserved or shy.
In essence, each person should determine their needs for themselves and find a partner with similar values.
Could the basic relationship requirements be different for each person?
We all value the same things that are fundamental to building a lasting relationship, such as love, affection, support, and so on. But do we value them the same amount?
Obviously the answer is “no”, because each person has their own hierarchy of needs. This means that a specific need, such as raising children, may not be as important as the emotional comfort of a relationship for one person but may be a priority for another.
What depends on it? Studies have shown that the distribution of values depends on age. But there are other factors, such as family traditions, culture, upbringing, social circle, and personal characteristics.
Even if basic needs such as support and compassion are present in the belief system in each part of healthy relationships, their importance may vary with each.
How to determine your relationship needs?
If you know your basic needs, you can know who you want to be with by intentionally or unconsciously comparing your needs and someone’s ability to meet them.
Without a clear value system, you can get lost in a relationship and do things you don’t want to.
But don’t be afraid. The following techniques will help you on the right path to determining your basic needs.
1. Know your love language
Languages of love as a concept first described in the 1990s by Gary Chapman, Ph.D. They are basically how we receive and express affection in our relationships.
If you know your love language, you will better understand your basic needs in a relationship.
There are five languages of love:
- physical touch
- words of testimony
- quality time
- To receive gifts
- Acts of service
To determine which of these languages is yours, choose something from the options below that is most meaningful to a relationship. Each option corresponds to the previous list of love languages.
What is most important to you:
- Walking down the street holding hands, hugging and kissing.
- If your partner says words of love to you or praises and congratulates you.
- Be with most evenings and weekends.
- When your loved one will often surprise you with gifts
- Practical care and support, such as help with household chores or breakfast in bed.
Every language of love can be translated into basic needs: physical touch equals physical intimacy and sex; words of affirmation equal emotional support; receiving gifts is like receiving attention; Acts of service are done by helping and supporting, and quality time means devotion.
2. Decide what now makes you happy or crazy.
You can use a simple exercise to figure out what you like or don’t like in a relationship. So let’s start by identifying the things you enjoy.
Write “I like when / Nice if” on a page of paper at least 10 to 15 times. Then find the appropriate ending. You can use current or past relationships as an example. The things you write are your needs.
If you don’t clearly know what’s most important to you in a relationship, try the opposite approach. It’s about emphasizing qualities or actions that you consider unacceptable. And again, take a page of paper and write “I can’t stand / hate if” multiple times and complete each sentence.
For example, let’s say you write, “I hate it when my partner leaves a dirty dish in the sink. It means you value cleanliness as a trait of your loved ones and you want them to view cleaning as such. rewarding work, not disappointing.
Go through the entire list and add more phrases like this if you can remember something else. At this point, you can write as much as you want. Later, you will learn to distinguish between standard amounts and desired but unnecessary amounts.
3. Set your priorities
Now that you have a list of needs, it’s time to decide what needs to be. It’s normal to have multiple criteria and strive for perfection. But sadly, you probably won’t find someone who can meet all your needs.
The following methodology will help you find your needs in five or seven requirements. So far, there are about 15 on the list from the previous chapter. So write your needs on small pieces of paper and place them in front of you on a table or other surface.
Now imagine you are crossing a river, but to get into the bridge you have to leave something behind. What is it? Repeat the same exercise until you have five to seven things you never imagined in a romantic relationship. Of course, the number may be higher depending on your personality.
The final step is to order your concentrated needs by their importance. It’s an effective way to find out what you’re looking for in a relationship in the first place and move on if they don’t.
4. Discuss your needs with your partner
This conversation is an effective way to assess the couple’s compatibility and see if they look at things the same way. Also, it will compare your amounts and limits and see if you share them.
When do you start discussing your basic needs? Topics like having kids and spending money are pretty bad to discuss on a first date. Others, like vacation likes, can be answered at any hour.
Generally, you have to wait for the 4th or 5th appointment. In the meantime, make sure you have chemistry and an emotional connection before talking about serious things. Otherwise, there is no point in wasting time matching the values.
Naturally, your partner will disagree on many things or their priorities. There are many unequal equally small chances for this relationship to be successful in the long term.
But before deciding to separate, ask yourself the following questions:
- Will your partner adjust to your beliefs over time?
- If he can’t, can you dismiss your own rules?
- Is this specific need that you disagree with more than the current relationship?
If the first and second answers are “yes,” don’t rush to say goodbye to your relationship. There is still hope of finding a common ground.
5. Analyze your relationship now
If you are currently dating someone, you can analyze the existing romantic relationship to determine what is important to you.
Ask yourself the following questions and write down the answers:
The answers to these questions will reveal your true opinion about the components of an ideal relationship.