“I gave up love. And it was one of the best decisions of my life. ” At least that’s what American author Laura Warrell said in a close essay published in Huffington Post in December 2019.
After a divorce at just 30 years old, countless flirtations with no follow-up and a series of frustrating relationships with men allergic to commitment, the forty-year-old decided to end her love career.
“In these two decades being explained or explained that I don’t deserve to be loved has hurt me,” he wrote. “I spend years looking at therapists, coaches, reading personal progress books or tarot decks. I drink too much sometimes, always cry. I think it’s time to lower the curtain”, confident one who has long regarded such abduction as the height of loneliness.And he is not alone.
Break up with a love because we no longer trust
According to the sex therapist and psychotherapist Noeline Toribio, women – and especially those in their fifties – are more likely to stop falling in love.
“In practice, I have noticed that patients no longer trust love. They have a feeling of being unloved at their fair value, unrespected ”, says the Versailles -based therapist (78). this event is accompanied by a freedom of speech around conjugal themes, such as the mental burden of the woman or the command to live together..
And while most women actually reject love for fear of suffering, others do so simply so as not to upset a life balance that they have had for many years.
Put your balance before your love life
This is the case of Virginie*, 59, who after a painful divorce and several years of relationship, no longer wants to hear about romantic relationships.
“I don’t want to bother with that anymore, I think I’ve given enough!” he joked. “When I got married, I thought it was my whole life, but he preferred to leave me for his secretary. So, now, I want to do what I want, when I want to and no longer have to justify myself. And that suits me very well “, he concludes with satisfaction. From now on, he favors his friendly and family relationships, especially with his children and grandchildren.
I thought I was too fat, too ugly, to dare to look for someone. But the truth is that I am often afraid of being rejected.
For some women, it’s a deep lack of self-confidence and the devastating feeling of not being worthy of love that keeps them from allowing themselves to live new stories.. “Since my divorce, I’ve built a kind of emotional barrier,” said Clémence, 61, director of a theater in Paris, in an explosion of vulnerability.
“Before I didn’t care but now I find myself too fat, too ugly, like this or that to dare to look for someone. I have a lot of excuses for myself, while the truth is that I am especially afraid of being rejected ”, continues one who describes, moreover, having a fulfilled daily life.
Discard the codes of love to fully blossom
In the antipodes of the so-called miserabilists who continue to maintain the cliché of the old maid or the lone widow, our witnesses confess that they have gained much from change. This obvious loneliness that gives them freedom and liberty, their happiness is no longer conditioned by the state of their feelings or that of others.
In her essay, Laura Warrell thus cites examples of inspiring women, making the rejection of love the beginning of new adventures in life.
This is a generation that now wants to express themselves, take care of it, put themselves first in their lives and want to remove themselves from the patriarchy where they were raised.
“I remember Yvette, who, after her husband left, traveled all over the world. From Katrina who graduated from MIT at the age of 48. Or from Wendy who joined the Peace Corps in her fifties ”, enumerates the writer.
This is not surprising for Noëline Toribio, who welcomes women in her office who feel they have given too much, realizing that their needs and their integrity are currently being given little consideration by their former colleagues.
“This is a generation that now wants to express themselves, take care of it, put themselves first in their lives and want to remove themselves from the patriarchy where they were raised and where they no longer know themselves”, the psychologist concludes, who remembers how romantic love as it is known in our contemporary Western society remains, above all, a socially constructed concept.
Live with friends and fresh water?
An observation shared by many social science researchers, such as British anthropologist Anna Machin, author of the best -selling. Why We Love: The New Science Behind Our Best Relationships.
We don’t need romantic love in our lives. There are many other types of love that can meet our needs.
In his book, the University of Oxford researcher believes that the importance of romantic love, as presented in literature, music or cinema, remains largely overestimate to the detriment of other forms of love – family, parental or friendly.
“We don’t need romantic love in our lives. There are many other forms of love that can meet our needs”, confirms the academic, quoted in particular in an article on BBC news. “Unfortunately, a lot of people spend a lot of time and energy looking for a romantic mate and end up abandoning other types of relationships,” she laments.
On the importance of separation from the myth of great love
The academic describes the myth of great love as a simple story that – invented to amplify our reproductive needs – does not necessarily contain the alpha and omega of our lives.
According to the specialist, the importance we attach to it, or the way in which we display it is also a result of our social background, our education or even our personal experiences, which are themselves culturally constructed.
“My parents divorced when I was a teenager… and I always felt that my mother was happier than I was when I was younger. I think there must be something to my decision ”, Virginie commented.
Even our psychologist remained somewhat skeptical. “Until now I have never received or met someone who says they are 100% happy single. The choice can really be considered but in stages of suffering ”, he explained, noting that a trustee or a therapist can certainly help cope with it.
A finding confirmed by Laura Warrell at the end of her essay. “Since I made this decision, there have been good days and bad days. The same thing happened when I was married or when I was looking for a new partner”, he underlines specifying that he still hopes to one day meet “a good man”. “But no matter if something comes into my life or not, I want to live it to the fullest”, the American philosopher.
Do we have to love ourselves for others to be loved too?
*Names have been changed