Personal growth in recent years has taken up a lot of space on the shelves of bookstores. Not a week has passed since a book dedicated to self -confidence, life teaching and more has been published. As for the heart, both.
The search for a soul mate inspires many writers. It’s hard to find innovation because it seems like everything has been written.
Nice surprise with Julie Klotz’s latest work. As a freelance journalist, she was able to push for reflection on the topic through a “holistic approach to romantic relationships”in his own words.
He tried to study what he called “The 4 chords of the couple“(ed. Fayard, 342 pages, 20 euros), title of his opus, published in Fayard editions, with a well -subtitled” how to live happily together “.
Exit the cliches (yes communication is important, but not enough). He carefully examines the cogs that make the couple successful or unsuccessful.
And for this, he compiled many bibliographic references, interviewed specialists in many disciplines and collected evidence. See you.
How do you work?
I start from one observation: at 20, we all enter into a romantic relationship that lasts forever. And at age 40, we keep it up, we repeat the reasons that lead us to invest ourselves in someone. I think, I read a lot of authors, exchanged some of them to conclude that in order for the couple to work, there must be an agreement between the two partners in four dimensions: biological, psychological, cultural and spiritual. One does not go without the other.
What are the most obvious pitfalls?
First, we confuse love and affection. At the biological level, you need to know that these are the hormones that control all of this. During the meeting, we received a shot of dopamine (the famous hormone of happiness) that would allow us to enter into a relationship. Similarly, our serotonin levels which are essential to our perception of the person collapse. After having sex with her, we became close under the effect of oxytocin. If we say that love lasts for three years, it is because the production of these hormones decreases beyond this period. But that doesn’t mean the end. Everyone can put things in order to keep secreting dopamine and oxytocin, but also serotonin to strengthen the couple. In short, if we continue the relationship, it will last longer than the famous three years. It involves creating activities, doing things to boost all the hormones to make the couple last.
So should we create a form of interdependence?
No, on the contrary, there should be no interdependence. It is important to be emotionally autonomous: one is not there to fill our gaps but to bring added value.
That is, to encourage and support our development. The couple must allow the individuals to grow and become better. It should be a path of growth, development, fulfillment and self -awareness. In short, the relationship needs to rise. If it can slow us down, it’s because it won’t work.
What about the influence of society on our romantic choices?
Some beliefs die hard. In particular the idea of soul mates according to which we are only half in search of our other half. You need to avoid that. We are not incomplete creatures. You have to learn to love yourself, otherwise how can you claim that you want to be loved? Also, you really have to abandon the idea of being “like everyone else”, which is within a pattern. There is no one recipe but an endless couple to invent.
You also put the marriage story in perspective.
We often forget that in the long run, marriage is the alliance of two families with economic, political, and other goals.
It was not until the 19th century that marital love developed, including a sexual agreement between couples. It offers a new concept of love, uniting body and mind, in a whirlwind of elevated emotions. However, society, mores, improved. For example, in the long run, betrayal was not a cause of separation as it is now the preliminary and primary cause of divorce. It shows that things are changing and we need to always keep this in mind. We will no longer separate because we are not happy but because we will be happier.
Culture is important.
Yes, it is important. Of course, coming from different cultures can be enriching. But it is an illusion to believe that love can win all. When partners are from backgrounds whose customs and habits are different, fear there are tensions. All this, we need to talk about it together, set things up from the beginning without hiding the face. It’s important for everyone to say how they view life: what they want to share, what they need, also about the honesty we just talked about. For others, exchanging text messages for a few weeks can be a betrayal that is hard to forgive. The couple has a contract between the two, that each must know the terms and agree to them.
You mentioned in your book the equation 1 + 1 = 3.
In fact, a couple is not an addition of two individuals, there is a third that allows us to say 1 + 1 = 3. This third is the relationship, the bond, the system created by couple from their exchanges. Every relationship is unique. What you have in one person is different from what you have in another. We did something unique but most of all worked out over time. This concept is important. The couple was initially unidentified. So if we refuse to evolve, we are not happy, we go straight to the wall. In addition, it is not enough to love someone, we also need to love and appreciate the relationship he offers us and feel that he accepts and appreciates the relationship we offer him.
One mistake we can make is to say “in any case you’re like this or that”, it’s tantamount to limiting the other, but we all have the potential for evolution. The person we earn during the meeting is not the same as the one we did three years, ten years, twenty years ago. Both change, so does the couple. But the elements remain such as sharing a spirituality, the agreement of values is a strong link factor.