Is summer any more helpful in finding each other in our relationship, no matter what it is? Does sexuality play or should it play an important role in our relationship? If our sexuality is half mast, is this doctor serious? We asked Carlo Trippi so many questions for this second part of our summer series “My life as a couple”. The psychotherapist and his wife Carla have introduced Imago therapy in French -speaking countries since 1997. They provide personal consultations and lead couples workshops and conferences. In recent years, they have held workshops for couples on the theme of sexuality in a relationship.
Carlo Trippi, does summer have any particular importance for the couple?
The couple always has a busy life rhythm throughout the year. Summer is often a time when couples look for more time to be together, and being together for longer periods of time can cause problems sometimes. What was swept under the carpet came out this time, leading to tensions and the emergence of hidden problems.
Is this a time to ask yourself the question of your relationship?
It’s time to revisit your relationship, question what you want your spouse to experience, and remember that we are equally responsible for the couple’s situation.
At the beginning of the theme that concerns us, is there already “good” and “bad” sexuality? Is there a pattern?
No, the norm is that the two get along, regardless of the type of couple and the form of sexuality chosen. Often, the media, the newspapers, the magazines present it to us as self -evident, telling us of “living”, “original”, “creative” sexuality. What I hear in my practice is that there is a lot of suffering, because it is always badly experienced, always suffered by women.
It’s usually very hard, very brutal, very fast. Some complain about it, many others dare not talk about it for fear of seeing their spouse leave.
And at any age?
We need to talk about time. Sexuality is not the same for young people between 18 and 30 years old, 50 years old or 70 years old. From a certain age, especially after the birth of children, sexuality develops. And often couples can do nothing because they are in the dark. One number was given to me by many gynecologists in our internships: 40% of women no longer want sexuality after the second child! I think it’s more than that.
What then to do? We often hear it said that sexuality is the cement of the couple. In addition, the word couple comes from the Latin “copula”, the link, and gives the word “to copulate”. So no sexuality, no couple?
The couple who no longer have sexuality still remain a couple, but that is cut off from something basic and necessary in the relationship. I said this in an internship recently, the couple who no longer have sexuality is a couple at risk. Because basically, sexuality is the closest point in the relationship, and the most complicated, because the more we dive into the relationship, the more we are able to bring back the fears of early childhood, which were rejected. , abandoned, lacking in competence. , and so on. We reiterated in the couple’s relationship the very first relationship in which we built our security, our trust. The couple is the place of predilection to heal these wounds, because we replay in a relationship of exclusivity, of intimacy. They will automatically reactivate and the problem is that we have to restart the mechanisms we put in place in childhood so as not to suffer. Everything will inevitably repeat itself.
In a couple when sexuality no longer works, is it the beginning of the end?
If a couple is wrong, sexuality is wrong or at least goes away for a while. How can a woman or a man accept sexuality when he or she is angry with his or her spouse? How can a man or a woman faithfully live a good sexuality when he no longer loves his partner?
Almost scary, no solution then?
When the time comes for problems to arise, regarding sexuality in particular, the couple should be able to discuss them. And that a different form of sexuality can be imagined than what was originally created, called biological sexuality, designed for childbirth, bringing about an orgasm, an ejaculation for the man, an orgasm for the woman. There are other forms of sexuality, what we call relational sexuality, “slow sex”, that go in this direction.
What do you do when the couple is no longer in the same rhythm? Do we agree to go somewhere else? To meet their needs in a different way?
The problem is that often the couple does not speak. At the very moment he had to work, there the couple had to be trained so that they could find their own solutions. If there are needs, do they really have to be met? You need to talk about it, find out why your partner doesn’t like it anymore and if you offer the opportunity to talk, to engage the relationship more deeply, people can search for information, read different books together on this subject.