Until adolescence, the child will experience the emotional roller coaster every day. How well does it support it? Bordeaux psychologist, specialist in child and adolescent development as well as parenting support, Mathilde Montoro practices positive psychology. It shows the way of empathy, which does not prevent self -confirmation as a parent or the establishment of a framework.
1. Change your parenting posture
We have all inherited this traditional education that judges, more or less thoughtfully, the crooked child, who needs to get it back straight. This presupposition includes an ascending relationship, a dominant one and a dominated one. These have consequent penalties and often degenerate into a power struggle with a winner and a loser, which can provoke resentment for the latter. Positive education invites a radical change in the perspective of the relationship with the child. It offers a much better understanding of how it works, thanks to neuroscience discoveries. It shows that the brain only matures at the age of 25.
The parent is the teacher on whom the child can lean, root, grow and develop. This is a model that the child will naturally follow, through the mirror effect. Shouting to your child to be quiet or beating him to punish him for stupidity is unreasonable. However, these automatisms sometimes anchor us.
Positive education views difficulties as learning opportunities, by establishing dialogue and tools. A compassionate education focuses on each child’s strengths and allows him or her to gain an understanding of the world, of autonomy and of responsibility. We always put the kids in a cocoon. However, they seek to learn new skills to feel that their personal contribution is important.
2. Be pushy
This attention to the child does not mean complete self -forgetfulness, on the contrary! To pass on self -respect, which is important, we need to start by respecting ourselves. It means realizing a person’s worth, clearly expressing his or her emotions and needs. For others, it takes work to fully accept themselves, work on their limited beliefs, re-read the education they have received, decide what to keep.
I want to clear up one ambiguity: being caring parents doesn’t mean we don’t feel angry or sad anymore. The child knows very well, who is an emotional sponge! Yes, you will still scream, heavy … So it is important that you put into words how you feel: “You broke the bar because it was so precious to me, I am very sad. » Then you go with your child to help him find solutions to heal. Our strong emotions are always linked to our values. Find what makes you tremble and you will recognize them: justice, unity, truth, respect …
Living in harmony with them allows us to be more peaceful, harmonious. You will also be more aware of your educational expectations. They are not always shared with your spouse and sources of misunderstanding, even tension: one is more sensitive to the order, the other to the service provided. Together, it can be a question of getting to know each other and defining common values to share as a family.
3. Don’t forget to define a safe framework
I force this point, because positive education is always mistakenly equated with weakness. In fact, it invites us to provide the necessary framework for good living together. Rules and restrictions help reassure the child and give him or her a progressive understanding of his or her surroundings. He needs to know what is expected of him, what to respect. In order for him to be responsible, it would be interesting to associate him with the definition of house rules, as well as in determining the penalties to be imposed. This framework has evolved over time.
In adolescence, he will stay. Many parents believe that their role is over, when the young person needs more than ever to be supported, encouraged, along with the progress and hardships they have gone through. But the rules become more and more co-constructed, as his brain matures, making him capable of self-discipline, aware of the consequences of his actions. Positive discipline prefers punishments over punishments.
The latter has no direct relationship to the child’s behavior, they humiliate him and do not fulfill an educational role. Punishment is a logical consequence that allows for healing. Its purpose is to make the child responsible. It should be adapted to the age of the child, his abilities, as well as the seriousness of the situation. Dropping a glass of water is a very common clumsiness until the age of 7 or 8, because the child does not yet fully coordinate his or her movements. So I just asked him to wipe the water off the table himself.
4. Develop realism and kindness
It is important to consider the developmental stage of the child. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations. Out of ignorance, we blamed the intentions for not yet being in a position to be acquired. I have heard of an infant or young child that he “tantrums” when the immaturity of his developing brain prevents such maneuvering. His anger was just an emotional outburst; it is the expression of a need.
In the same spirit, a 2-year-old cannot “lie”, because he has not established a connection between what he says and the truth; Awareness of the consequences of a person’s actions develops from the age of 5. If you need a breath, utopian expects a 3-year-old child to occupy himself or herself for an hour. . Tell him, “Shut up! can’t help him. However, show the “how”: “I’m going to rest. At this time, what will you play: with the cubes or with the puzzle?»
A child gradually begins to self-regulate about 4 or 5 years of age. Visual tools such as timers help him plan himself during the wait period. How to react to a crisis? A child screaming, clapping, rolling on the floor, experiencing the depths of the depths. His brain went through a hormonal imbalance that prevented him from reasoning. Only an empathetic attitude teaches him to control his emotions: we put ourselves at his height, look into his eyes, we can smile at him, hug him, restrain him physically, talk to him gently way. Then, when he is reassured and comforted, he can reflect with us on the cause of his feelings and on possible solutions.
It’s a challenge for now, with our diaries so full … But a child, in essence, has a huge daily need for attention, and he or she will show it even more so. that he spends the day away from you. When he came home from school, he was always tired. Her storehouse of affection is rather dry, a breeding ground for frustrations, anger or tears… However, when a child is disturbed, we are often tempted to isolate him or her in order to regain calm. But the exact opposite should be done! It was really necessary to give her more love, hugs and sweetness.
He needs attention, to talk, to listen to music, sometimes just to watch playing. When oxytocin, the hormone of love and intimacy, is released, his emotional brain calms down. Make sure his love tank is always full! I advise parents to schedule a week – and preferably every day – a quality time of ten to thirty minutes, with no screen, phone silent, by making yourself available. This privileged period means to the child: 73099 Oxytocin is necessary for every person to feel well and improve the mood at home! Time is running out, and creating a “secure” link is a lifelong legacy.