Couple: how to know if it’s love or habit?

After a few years of relationship, the daily grinding and routine can be resolved. How to know if it’s still therelove or habit, comfort of life? How do you make sure you stay in a relationship for the right reasons? Evelyne Dillenseger, couple therapist and sexologist, help us see things more clearly and ask ourselves the right questions.

Is the couple happy with their routine?

If each couple is unique, the love relationship usually go through different stages. “In the beginning, there is love at first sight, the state of passion, ups and downs and then slowly, habits are created “, explains Evelyne Dillenseger, couple therapist. You have to understand that love and habit can do everything. live together, according to our specialist. ”We can love each other and have habits. LHabits can also soothe some, they are rituals that belong only to the couple ”, he insisted.

The routine is inevitable. It will even be desired. This is what gives comfort in life, in the relationship of the two. We are happy to meet for rituals, a TV set, weekends are always a bit of the same model. Friday night in front of Koh-Lanta, Sunday brunch at the mother-in-law or even Wednesday night at the movie is part of these little routines shared with others well. It is important to differentiate between couple habits bringing joy, from those who spoil her. “You have to hear someone else’s complaint when the habit is no longer a pleasure”, Evelyne Dillenseger added. The danger of the routine is that we can work together to live without seeing each other, not talking to each other. That’s why the interest in surprises, things that “change” is introduced every now and then.

Signs indicate that it is often more than love

Several signals interpret a relationship based on habit and more on love.

  • You no longer have communication

Caught in the daily grind, you no longer spend time chatting. And by chatting, we don’t talk about what to eat at night or remember to pay the electricity bill. “We knew so well that we could no longer see our partner. We won’t talk to him anymore, because we know what he will say. So are habits: get to know each other very well ”, explains Evelyne Dillenseger. While in the beginning of your romantic relationship you want to put the world on for hours, these conversations become more unique, even if they don’t.

  • You take for granted your relationship

We don’t see each other anymore, we sometimes live like roommates or just as parents. Because we organize our tasks in such a way that it becomes mechanical behavior. We move away because we have a busy job, kids, hobbies, and we say to ourselves that the couple is good, it’s in the pocket, it’s a rolling business ”, explains the therapist Of course, it’s all a question of balance.It is important that partners have time to relax.But that does not mean that you have to completely disinvest the relationship.

  • You can no longer tolerate the presence of another

Marriage disputes have become more and more frequent. “We no longer support each other. We no longer do good to each other, others bother us, intimidate us. We avoid each other, we no longer want to spend time with each other”, explained the expert. In some severe cases, partners develop a form of rejection of others physically and on the level of his personality. Its flaws are obvious to you. You are almost “allergic” to his presence and can no longer tolerate his quirks or smells.

  • Tenderness and affection became scarce

“There are no more declarations of love, partners no longer tell each other that they love each other, they avoid each other”, continues Evelyne Dillesenger. A little attention, words of love, gentle gestures, all these things that create a relationship turn out to be unique. “When we have too many habits, we are no longer a couple loving each other, paying attention to each other and being together.”

  • You don’t have to come up with a plan anymore

You no longer do joint projects. You want to travel for a few months, but you’re wondering if you want to go with your partner? Do you always look for excuses to avoid dating? This is a factor that can alert you to the state of your relationship.

  • You no longer miss each other

If you don’t miss each other, if you don’t think about your partner, if you feel like you’re alive again, breathing and being in yourself when you’re no longer in the presence of another, maybe it’s time to move on. .

Why should we be together without the habit?

Accept that the the torque will no longer turn on nothing is clear. Reason why some people prefer to remain in denial. “There are couples who avoid this communication, who don’t want to talk about it, because they are afraid that someone else will say‘ in the end, maybe our story has an end ’”, Evelyne analyzes Dillenseger. “These couples stay together for reasons of material comfort, for the children, because there is a social role, for Afraid of the unknownloneliness ”, describes our expert.

Fear of being alone is more prevalent among those who suffer from a feeling of abandonment. If one of the members of the couple has less income than the other or does not work, the possibility of having to take care of themselves financially, find a new home, or even pay for a lawyer in the context of a divorce, all the elements that do not encourage you to separate. but stay together for comfort can lead to a feeling of discomfort, deep sadness, an almost depressive state.

What to do if the couple is in a destructive habit?

First you have to accept the situation. For you Evelyn Dillenseger, asking about what keeps us healthier: “This indicates that there is already a question about the partner relationship. This means that we make a point, that we ask our own questions and that is always good as a basis for discussion with others ”.

In order not to fall into a destructive routine, it is necessary tomorrow is love. “To break out of the routine and reconnect with each other, you need to surprise yourself again, beautify the relationship, be amazed, make plans together,” advises the couple therapist. “Each of the partners has a responsibility to their spouse. It’s not the fault of one or the other”, he recalls. If the feelings of love and the intimacy is strong and still exists, it is possible to find balance by talking, by finding solutions to overcome difficulties and by finding compromises. Others may occur with a couple therapists. If the routine has completely replaced the feelings, there is no need to force it. It’s better to face the facts and stay honest with yourself and your partner.

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