Do we have to love ourselves for others in order to be loved too?

“You can’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves”. This sentence, I have heard over and over again. However, I have yet to see him move anyone.

Because if “love yourself first” is meant to be an enriching personal development piece, it quickly becomes a mandate for singles in need of romantic relationships. And if there is a grain of truth in this banality that has been launched incorrectly and entirely, it is time to question this baseless idea.

“Even if well -intentioned, it is something that can make the person receiving the information feel guilty. We must not forget that loving each other is a lifelong work, so we cannot wait to be 100% in giving ourselves the right to love ”, Myriam agreed from the beginning. Bidaud, coach and couple therapist, at the head of a chain the YouTube giving advice about romantic relationships.

Something of self -awareness, more than love

As the expert explains, few people can prove to love themselves unconditionally. And even if, over many years, self -confidence is likely to increase, it is never linear because we are creatures of constant evolution.

To love and be truly loved, you need to know yourself, know where your limitations are and you need to know yourself.

This is why, according to Myriam Bidaud, it is better here to be interested in self-identification, and not to remain in a love that is sometimes unattainable.

“In the end, confidence, love and self-esteem, from accepting yourself, despite the mistakes you know. So I would say that to love and be good and to be loved-because it works both ways-you need to know yourself, know where your physical and emotional limitations are and you know the yourself ”, he explained.

On the impossibility of living without looking at others

The risk of starting a relationship without this knowledge – at least – of not being able to love another, or not be loved, because without known needs, it is impossible to build a relationship based on communication and common good..

“The risk is to lose the relationship, or conversely, to cannibalize another. Insecurities are often the result of jealousy for example”, eludes Myriam Bidaud. “The problem arises when you come to fill a gap, change coaches, usually because you’re afraid of being alone or with a desire to forget yourself, so you don’t have to take care of yourself. itself. the relationship won’t work and it will hurt the protagonists ”, he continued.

But it’s complicated to reason with yourself, to learn first to listen to yourself, if we are social animals, for whom watching others is constitutive.

“Especially since the commandment can be misunderstood: we must love one another, that others may love us and not for us. many people learn to love themselves despite others, and not even themselves“, argued the romantic relationship specialist.

Denial of love due to lack of trust

However, if the fear of abandonment and other childhood traumas have already complicated the task when it comes to opening up to love, it is a question not to add bread to the board of those and those who lack self -confidence.

“It pulls the carpet from under them, they think they can no longer have love, because for them they can never be able to love each other. Thus, weakened by the pressure of a society focused on the personal development, many condemn themselves as unloving. Sometimes there is even a sense of shame to come ”, warns the expert.

We need to integrate the idea that the couple’s relationship can enable us to thrive, and that we don’t have to solve all our problems before interacting with someone.

In this case, the injunction may provoke a rejection of the outside world or develop a fear of romantic relationships – to the point of refusing some, thinking they were all destined to fail.

“We need to get rid of this belief and instead integrate the idea that the relationship as a couple makes us thrive. We don’t have to solve all our problems before we put someone in,” he continued.

Being in a healthy relationship already loves yourself

Because, in the end, gaining self -love happens even before the couple’s formalization. Loving each other is knowing why I am in a relationship. It’s enough to respect yourself to know your needs and analyze whether they agree with others.

Before you can be a good partner for someone else, you have to be one for yourself. “It’s important to know how to communicate (with oneself, then with another) and to accept one’s weakness. Without this awareness of our emotions, we risk not being successful, even if we believe we love each other. a. from the outside “, warns Myriam Bidaud.

And the expert formally, without the slightest bit of self -awareness, we give a lot of power to another. “If the person is healthy, it can weigh on the relationship and die in the beginning, but if it is malicious, it is dangerous because it can be used to manipulate you”, he warned.

Otherwise, it is a project of mutual elevation and mutually beneficial created. “Here, some give us a mirror that reflection can be more structuring or show us things we haven’t seen before, blinded by our complexes. this is how we learn to love each other better, through each other’s eyes“, the expert recalled.

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