Couple: how to get rid of harmful beliefs that can damage our relationship?

The preconceived notions of love, which are often very strong and inherited from childhood, can shake the weak foundation of our marriage. To better flush them out, psychologist Camille Rochet wrote the book The 5 beliefs that can keep you from being happy as a couple (ed. Larousse). We met him.

One day my prince will come “,” will attract opponents “,” with me, he will change “… Without even realizing it, we are molded by many beliefs inherited from childhood. negatively impact our lives as a couple, by projecting an ideal and false picture of what a romantic relationship looks like. The 5 beliefs that can keep you from being happy as a couple, published in Larousse editions. A practical guide, full of testimonials and concrete solutions, to free yourself from false beliefs and blossom in love. See you.

NEON: What was the beginning of writing this book?

Camille Rochet, psychologist and author: After more than a decade of therapy with couples that I have seen progressing every day, I have identified a few persistent points that have emerged during our exchanges: especially the strong beliefs that have damaged the relationships with the people who consulted me. I think especially of the myth of “GOOD man “, the one according to which life as a couple is a long calm river, or that the opposite attracts… Thoughtful ideas inherited from a long time ago, which sometimes push my patients wanting to leave their spouse without even trying to recover The purpose of my So the book is that: to learn to reject these false beliefs, the very ones that guide us unconsciously, and learn to question ourselves before throwing it all away.

Of the 5 beliefs about couples that you have come to know in the course of your therapies, what do you think is the most problematic in a relationship?
Naturally, I would say that this is the belief in “passion at all costs”. That according to a love is more beautiful and stronger when it is new, when it wins us over, when we have butterflies in our bellies. The thing is that this enthusiastic phase will sooner or later end up disappearing in a relationship, to give something more reasoning. And that, even if we know it to be reasonable, is very hard to accept when we are caught up in the momentum of love. I don’t count the number of people who come to watch me follow the betrayals, because they suddenly relive the intoxicating palpitation at the beginning of a relationship, and who wonder if they weren’t “wrong” with the partner, and contemplated a parting with him. .

What advice would you give these people?
Do not leave their spouse with another person. It’s not because I’m in love with someone else that my relationship with someone who has shared my life has to end. The best, in my opinion, is to break up the extramarital relationship and work on my relationship with my partner.

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But if we’re in love with someone else, it’s probably already a sign that we need to end our previous relationship, right?
Be careful, we cannot be slaves to our emotions. If I fall in love with someone else maybe it’s just a sign that I need to ask myself about my couple’s situation right now, about my need for reassurance, self-confidence, recognition. … But my relationship as a couple is not. just based on feelings of love. There are so many more things that feed our mutual attachment and the feeling comes and goes throughout our lives together. On the other hand, falling in love can happen to you, even to yourself, any hour of your life and many times too! While love is a decision, a choice, a commitment… that takes energy.

In your book, you expose the myth of the “righteous man”. At the same time, we live in a socially connected hyper, where dating sites like Tinder continue this well-dressed fantasy, offering us a new profile every day that seems more deserve us. Do these platforms still lock us in our assurances about the couple??
I think they’re holding us back, yes, because on social networks and dating platforms, we present ourselves according to very specific behaviors, and we don’t get in on our totality. Unconsciously, we believe there is always something better elsewhere, that is matches better, and we are in this permanent search for the “right person”, at the risk of constantly being dissatisfied. Some people will scroll through ten profiles per day in dating apps and focus on a small detail, a criterion they don’t like, and continue their search for Prince Charming. While honestly, if we take the time to chat with someone, we know there are a lot of other positive things about them, we accept it in its entirety, and this little mistake goes into the second plan.

Another danger with these applications is that you can hide the truth by displaying the image you want to display. So it takes time to meet the other, to meet his surroundings, to live together with experiences that allow us to better identify ourselves with testing, sometimes, and self -excellence.

So, to enjoy love, it is better to leave Tinder and partner? I have a couple of friends who met these types of platforms years ago, and who are very happy now…
I don’t want to be demonized by dating apps because I know strong couples can be formed with them. You can’t throw it all away! But if I have any advice to give users, it’s not just to quickly find the person they’re chatting with online, but most of all to meet their close partner. This is the best way to get a purposeful idea about the person, because there is something about us that flows with others. We have learned much more about anything other than this approach than the focus on behaviors – often misleading – spread on social networks.

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In your book, you explain that many of the beliefs about marriage are rooted in childhood. How can this be deconstructed when they are so internalized that we don’t even know their existence?
We realize these false beliefs when suffering invades us and prevents us from moving forward peacefully. In general, the beliefs to be found are the ones that happen when I struggle between the ideal of what I want and the reality of what I am experiencing. That’s exactly when I say to myself: “Why do I need this to be good?” It’s like all of our weaknesses and our weaknesses: as long as we don’t know it and that it doesn’t hurt us, you can do the therapy, it won’t go away.

Many of the couples you cite in your book have been able to break these beliefs through therapy. Will people who fail be judged to be unhappy with love for the rest of their lives?
Of course, some people hold these beliefs. Often, the myth of “passion at all costs”, which we discussed earlier, can lead to leaving one person’s spouse for another person, even if one knows that this passionate phase is set. slow down over time.

And then there are people for whom these beliefs are also a way to live. Let us take the example of the myth according to which the couple is a long calm river: a man who grew up in a family where violence reigns, at times, clings to an ideal conception of love, which is represented in a zone of. not conflict, where the partners always agree on everything, where no one word is higher than the other. For these people, the violence experienced in the past is so rooted and painful that they do not understand that love can sometimes be difficult, and therefore refuse to do the deep work of shaking this faith, for fear of being face what they are. most feared.

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What advice would you like to give our single readers, for whom marital relationships are always so far removed from the representations they make about love?
What you need to know is that as you get older, you are more likely to agree to meet people with injuries. This is inevitable. Being single at the age of 40 means having an experience in the past, sometimes a long journey of suffering, sometimes a lot of disappointments, always abusing self-esteem … All of this has to be considered because we come to the couple with in this baggage. You need to ask yourself a question: “Do I have a misconception about the couple that keeps me from opening up to some people and opening the door to a relationship?” Understand that a relationship is not always enthusiastic, not always fluid and easy, and agree not to hesitate to ask for help when the couple has problems, to fully understand each other, the way we see the couple in each other, the beliefs we carry within it… Doing this work from the beginning of a relationship, deconstructing these beliefs, is to ensure increased resilience.

* The 5 beliefs that can keep you from being happy as a couple, ed. Larousse, in bookstores since January 5, 2022, € 16.95

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